Thursday, May 18. 2006

The Ride of Silence

Clay and I participated in the local Ride of Silence last night to honor of those who have been injured or killed while cycling on public roadways. I had my usual bout of people phobia / social anxiety and it was a bit of work riding up some of those hills with a 40 lb boy and a tag-a-long strapped onto the back of my mountian bike, especially considering that I'm gravitationally challenged to begin with. But we made it through just fine.

I've felt like an emotional basketcase this morning. At first I couldn't figure out what was going on but after I got into work it dawned on me just how much this ride affected me. Everyday when I ride to work I'm so hyper-aware of the fact that a car or truck or bus could take me out in the blink of an eye. To come face to face with the fact that so many others have met this fate is unsettling to the core to say the least.

Ride of Silence - Durham NC

Video from WRAL

Add to this the fact that I'm turning 46 this weekend and that I'll be away from my family for my birthday because I decided to take a workshop at Pendle Hill (when I'm not even feeling that sure about my capacity to do the Quaker thing) and maybe its starting to look like I have a few reasons for feeling like a basketcase this morning.

Posted by robert in Cycling, Religion at 07:48 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Saturday, March 11. 2006

Must it come so cruel, and oh so bright?



This last verse from the Leonard Cohen song Joan of Arc seemed to resonate with me while I thought about the life and death of Tom Fox this morning.
It was deep into his fiery heart
He took the dust of Joan of Arc,
And then she clearly understood
If he was fire, oh then she must be wood.
I saw her wince, I saw her cry,
I saw the glory in her eye.
Myself I long for love and light,
But must it come so cruel, and oh so bright?

My prayers are with Tom Fox, his family and friends and with those Tom tried to help. May God bless you and comfort you. May the true spirit of Jesus touch all of our hearts and may we work in whatever small ways we can to make this a better world.

Posted by robert in Politics, Religion at 08:42 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Monday, January 16. 2006

Feelin' Groovy

Saturday morning I decided to drive out to Paul's Cycling & Fitness in Winston Salem to look at the Schwinn Stingray reissues. I figured that the trip was going to be at least an hour and a half in each direction but they were the nearest Schwinn dealership to Durham that carried the reissued Stingrays. To make a long story short, here is the result of that trip.

The Pea Picker in all it's pea picking glory
Our Pea Picker in all it's pea picking glory

A really great family moment
A really great family moment on "the curve hill"

Laura putting the Pea Picker through its paces
Laura putting the Pea Picker through its paces

We need a flowered basket on the handlebar here
We really could use a flowered basket on the handlebar here

Clay and I spent a good part of the day on both Saturday and Sunday riding around the local elementary school parking lot and grounds. Me on the Schwinn Stingray and him on his Trek Jet bike. I got to teach him how to jump his bike off a curb and lots of other good stuff. This has brought up so many thoughts over the past few days about being a father and childhood and Quaker values like simplicity and these thoughts are really all over the place right now. Hopefully at some point soon I'll be able to sort things out and write them down here...

Until then, here is a short Quicktime movie (528 k) of us going down "the curve hill".



Posted by robert in Cycling, Fatherhood, Hobbies, Religion at 08:42 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Monday, June 27. 2005

A lot to say, yet nothing to say


I've felt like writing something here for a while, it feels like I have a lot I want to say and at the same time I just feel totally overwhelmed. When I looked at this blog the other day for the first time in a long time I didn't recall writing the last entry. That one took me totally by surprise.

So in lieu of writing anything of any substance all I can offer right now is this cool link I found today. Its a site I've been to before but I never noticed until today that they have the pamphlets available as free pdf downloads:

http://www.pendlehill.org/pendle_hill_pamphlets.htm




Posted by rweeks in Religion at 13:22 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Saturday, May 28. 2005

Just because, that's why

My three year old son rules my world in so many ways that it seems like I wasn?t living before he was born. This is really odd as I look back at all of the years that I vehemently was opposed to becoming a "breeder". This is just another instance proving to me how I can be so very wrong and never have a clue.

In the way of a little background; I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who has managed by grace to stay clean and sober for over 11 years. It feels weird just to write that down or to say it sometimes. I just read a news story about a kid and his friend who went out drinking and on the way home the friend leaned his head out the passenger side window and his head was decapitated. The driver continued on home and fell asleep not even aware that his friend was in the car and dead.

I'm sure it must seem to many that these two have earned a top spot in the running for this year's Darwin Awards but for those of us like myself it brings an uneasiness because we know that with just a simple twist of fate that those two could be any one of us.

I think this has to factor into why some people fall on the Democrat and Progressive side of the aisle while others fall on the Republican. Not to offer oversimplified explanations for our overly polarized society when the Heritage Foundation has worked for so hard and so long to get us here, but when I see a homeless person or anyone who is less fortunate than myself I know that there is not much separating me from them, and that through a few minor unexpected incidents I could be them or worse. No matter how good my life gets I still feel a strong empathy towards those who are less fortunate and it drives me to want to do something to help.

From what I can tell, the Republican mindset is; I got mine, look at me, I'm a self made man (there is no such thing), I got mine and if you weren't so lazy just sitting around looking for handouts you'd get yours too. And stop trying to take what is mine! That is the mindset of the Republican rank and file, but the real Republican agenda as set forth by the Heritage Foundation and others of their ilk is I got mine and I'm going to get yours too.

It?s always seemed to my simple mind that the Progressive mindset was much more in line with the teachings of Christ or at least what I was raised to believe the teachings of Christ were. To say that it?s ironic that the Right claims the title of the moral and religious party while stating that the left is a bunch of Godless, Socialist baby killers would be one of the understatements of the century.

Anyway, getting back to my son, He's at that stage, and has been for a while, where he's really curious about everything and every answered question brings about a response of "why?" In the parenting books they tell you to help develop the child?s curiosity and learning skills that Mom or Dad should reply with something like: "I don't know dear, let's go to the library to find out!" I'd like to be that parent, I really would but they haven't found the correct combination of meds to get me there yet. So for the most part I try to explain or I ask him why does he thing that the sky is blue or whatever the question is, but there are sometimes after working a long day and commuting back and forth to work and trying to take care of dinner or whatever when the only thing that I can come up with as a reply is the old parental standby of "Just because" or "Just because I said so".

I myself have been asking why a lot lately also. Being a recovering drunk you come to believe that God can remove your condition which up to now you've done a pretty lousy job with. Some of us become convinced that God is at work in our daily lives. I know it sounds weird if you haven't been there but for those of us who have been there it is very real.

So you come up with questions like "why me, why did I get God's help while those poor bastards in that article had no angels sitting on their shoulder". Or why do the people who cause so much suffering and pain like Bush & Co. get off scott-free. If nothing else their power seems to increase with each violation of human rights. In their case I'm willing to entertain that the "other father" GW Bush claims to answer to is the one known as Beelzebub or the dark lord. Or why do some people live lives of pure shit and pain just because they were born in Africa or Iraq or Afghanistan and many other places?

I'm sure this sounds somewhat juvenile since I've been asking questions like this since I was in Junior High School in-between the more important of the adolescent male brain which is figuring out how to get laid, even back when you didn't know what that meant you still wanted it if you were a male growing up in America in the 70's. I have no idea what's up with these kids now, its all Nintendo, friends with benefits (blow jobs) and Stock Portfolios from what I can see.

While I was writing this I got this image in my mind of God driving a huge station wagon and all of the "seekers" like myself were in backseats stretched out for as far as the eye could see and we're all asking "why?". The racket is unbelievable and from the look on Gods face you can tell he needs a break but there are no rest stops coming up. Finally God turns around and bellows:

"Just Because, that's why! If you kids can't sit there quietly and enjoy the ride I swear I'm going to turn this car around right now and we'll just have to call Saint Peter and tell him not to expect us because you couldn't behave".

"Who's crying?"

"Robert, is that you crying?"

"You better stop that right this minute Mister. or I'll stop this car and come back there and give you something to cry about!"

But Dad, WHY?
Posted by robert in Religion at 02:40 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, May 26. 2005

Surprise, surprise, surprise, another hatemongering NC Baptist minister makes the news

There must be something in the water down here in NC 'cause we sure have more than our share of Baptist Ministers making the news these days for doing something completely assinine.:

N.C. pastor stands by sign saying Quran should be flushed

The Associated Press

FOREST CITY, N.C. -- A Baptist minister refuses to apologize for a church sign saying the Muslim holy book should be flushed.

"I believe that it is a statement supporting the word of God and that it (the Bible) is above all and that any other religious book that does not teach Christ as savior and lord as the 66 books of the Bible teaches it, is wrong," said the Rev. Creighton Lovelace of Danieltown Baptist Church. "I knew that whenever we decided to put that sign up that there would be people who wouldn't agree with it, and there would be some that would, and so we just have to stand up for what's right."

Posted by robert in Religion at 06:25 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Monday, May 23. 2005

Is this all that there is?

I was listening to This American Life yesterday in my truck and one of the stories was about a father who came to a point where he started asking himself "Is this all that there is?" Coming home to the same suburban house, to the same suburban family, in the same suburban car day after day after day. The father ended up going through a pretty big mid-life crisis; taking acid, experimenting with free love, and eventually leaving his family and becoming somewhat of an eccentric who is obsessed with contacting extraterrestrial life.

My problem is pretty much the opposite of the problem presented by the father in that story. My problem lies in the part of my life spent outside the home. Where I go and come home from five days a week. I love coming home to this house and family. I'll admit that they can both be trying at times but there are no questions in my mind or heart when it comes to them.

Last week, probably because of my 45th birthday, I went through an iTunes inspired nostalgia phase and downloaded a bunch of music from the Partridge Family and the Monkees. I was surprised at how subversive some of the Monkees lyrics were. Pleasant Valley Sunday in particular caught my attention. I remembered that song just for its catchy melody, but listening to the lyrics now as an adult I realized that it is pretty much a condemnation of middle class suburban life. I wonder a bit about what effect listening to stuff like that had on me as a kid. I'd imagine it had to figure into why I spent so many years living in NYC. That long with Joni Mitchell's The Hissing of Summer Lawns and Dylan's Mr. Jones. I think all I can credit the Partridge Family with is giving me some pretty screwed up ideas about love ;-)

Over the past year or so I've noticed that the "Is this all that there is?" question has been sounding louder and louder in my head when it comes to work. I suppose this is the form my mid-life crisis is taking. By all accounts I have it pretty good when it comes to the particulars or my job and feel like I have no right to complain. I certainly could work less and get paid more but at least I'm not stitching Nikes together for pennies a day and I'm not some unemployed textile worker or the any of the millions of other jobs I could have that would truly suck. My father worked six days a week from early in the morning to pretty late in the evening doing construction work. I know that would certainly kill me and in comparison to that I have no right to complain.

So why the long face then, middle-aged dude?

When I first started going to our weekly Quaker meeting I asked someone there about Quaker practice; what it is, how to do it, etc.? We had a good conversation and it seemed that shortly after that things started to fall into place for me as far as my understanding and integration into my life of Quakerism. At this point looking back, one thing he said really stuck out. It was something along the lines of that one thing that happens over time by going to the gathered meeting is that we become "clear". In my case I would become clear as to whether I belonged there or not, and as other questions arose in my life I would find clearness in regards to those things through the meeting and practice.

That all sounds pretty mystical but I've noticed that so far it?s been true. The thing that has been making itself clear lately is that I find no joy in my work and for the most part dread it. I don't know if this is a function of my job particularly. It took a lot of work to get to where I am currently and for the most part the job itself is pretty good. Maybe what?s bugging me is that I'm starting to feel I need to do something that actually matters in the bigger picture. Something that leaves me feeling good at the end of the day knowing that I've made a difference in the lives of the less fortunate. Or at the very least just having a job that makes my life better by being something I look forward to instead of something I dread.

Part of me wants to say to myself that this is all a bunch of Pollyannaish bullshit, and that I should shut up and put a little gratitude in my attitude. That's all well and good but when I start dreading Monday morning on Friday night something is very wrong. I've also noticed that a lot of the Quakers I meet from our meeting seem to have these types of jobs. There are a lot of social workers and crisis counselors and public defenders. I don't know if Quakerism changed their paths or if they were always so inclined. Unfortunately I don't think any of those career choices are in the cards for me since I really don't feel like going back to school at age 45.

I already made one major career change in my life. I spent 10 years as a cabinetmaker before switching to my present line of work 10 yeas ago. Maybe it is a 10-year itch of some sort. I hope not, I'm really not up to switching careers every 10 years for the rest of my life.

I guess I'll pass on the acid and free love and hope instead for a little clarity or at the least for the dread of the working week to leave me.
Posted by woozy in Religion at 02:12 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Friday, May 13. 2005

They're not in Kansas anymore Toto (or Jesus told them to hate you)

Photo: The Herald-Sun/Kevin Seifert

I was speechless when I first came across this and a couple days later I'm still stunned. These people really give Christianity a bad name. No wonder I struggle constantly with the language of Christianity when people like this use it to justify and fuel their hatred and bigotry.

The idea of travelling from Kansas to Durham, NC to protest a High School play is beyond me. Having that much hatred is beyond me. Somehow justifying this with what is written in the Bible is also totally beyond me.


Maybe they plan to smuggle some cheap cigarettes back with them to sell back home so they can make a little money for their God on the side.
Posted by woozy in Religion at 07:15 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Tuesday, March 22. 2005

faith

I ended up in the hospital last week for the first time in my life. This incident occurred during the week of my 11th anniversary of being clean & sober and 2 months before my 45th birthday. I guess that sets the stage for a little introspection on my part.

Last night I was reading the Queries from the Journal of The NC Yearly Meeting (Conservative) and I was really impressed by their simplicity and directness and I knew this was something I needed to start using as a tool to take regular stock of my own life. (The queries can be read here starting on page 38 of the PDF).

It seems that every time I've been in silent worship at the Quaker Meeting for the past 4 months that one word has come to my mind consistently and stronger than all of the other words I concern my head with. That word has been faith.

Jesus says a few things about faith in the Bible; probably the most famous quote is this:

Matthew 17:20:

He replied, ?Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ?Move from here to there? and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.?


I don't think Jesus was kidding around here. We have examples of people in this world who have moved mountains through their faith. Millard Fuller of Habitat for Humanity comes immediately to mind as does Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and a list of others.

There was a time in my life where I believed that God walked every step of every day with me. This was during the early years of my sobriety and it was an indescribable feeling. Ironically as I received more gifts in my life because of this relationship with God I started feeling like I had lost my connection to God. My unease with religion came back, I started questioning why does God walk with me and let other's die from the same disease? Why does God let the truly evil (Bush, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, the Religious Right, my Brother-In-Law, fill in any number of names here) thrive while the good perish? This type of math makes me lose my faith.

Now as I struggle to slowly get little bits and pieces of my faith back I need to remember that faith is not logical and does not conform to such tests as I've laid out in the last paragraph. The only true test of faith is to see its effects in my life, which when I am looking are plain to see.

There is another divinely inspired group of texts that I refer to every so often. They served as a bridge back to faith for me the first time and along with my new found Quaker practice will help to lead me back again. In regards to faith, AA?s 12 Steps and Traditions has this to say which I think is the most amazing description of the work required to have faith:

"Fortunately we who have tried it, and with equal misgivings, can testify that anyone, anyone at all, can begin to do it. We can further add that a beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed. Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open we find we can always open it some more. Thought self-will may slam it shut as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment again we pick up the key of willingness."


Brilliantly simple: faith, which is hard to acquire can be set in motion by an act of willingness which is much easier to grasp and act on. The Big Book of AA goes on to show us a practical way to put this willingness into motion:

We were now at Step Three. Many of us said to our Maker, as we understood Him: "God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.


Enough said.
Posted by woozy in Religion at 02:54 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, March 3. 2005

I have a black, black, heart

I thought of this the other day. I was driving and fanaticizing about the death of the person who was passing me in a school zone during the morning drop off time because I had the audacity to slow down to the speed limit of 35 mph. How did I get this way, and why can't I let this stuff roll off my back? Shouldn't I be thinking pleasant, saintly, loving, brotherly thoughts as I serenely go through my day?

I always wanted to be like Kwai Chang Caine in the Kung Fu TV series. I'd always know the right thing to do and I'd be humble and gentle and try to find the spiritual approach to every problem. Then I'd open up a serious can of whoop-ass (in slow motion at that) only as a last resort. I guess that is a pretty typical male fantasy. There was Billy Jack and Buford Pusser from Walking Tall and all that stuff. They'd always know the right thing to do and justice would be upheld by their mere existence.

Tonight was one of my nights to pick up my son from daycare. I thought it would be fun to take him to the playground and then we?d go to a Chinese restaurant he really likes. While we were at the playground two older kids started picking on him right in front of me. My initial reaction is something along the lines of violence breeds violence. I'm thinking about smacking this one little brat who seemed to be the leader, to kingdom come, but I think better of it because hitting kids is frowned upon and probably for good reasons. So I try to hang back and see where this is going. This one little kid is looking at my son with such hatred and then he gives me the same look and makes a fist.

Great, this is really going nowhere fast. Maybe I can talk to the kid and diffuse the situation. I'd been standing there the whole time and knew that there was absolutely no provocation on my son's part so I'm trying to figure out how to approach it. I try to smile and ask the kid what's up. He just stares at me with even more hatred. I really want to knock this kid's face into the dirt at his point and my son, who is three years old is saying he's scared because every time he tries to use any of the playground equipment kid hateful and his trusty sidekick try to block the way or push my son down.

If I handled this badly up to this point it only gets worse from here. My next move is to figure out who are the mothers of these two and go over to talk to them. I tell them that their kids are ganging up on and picking on a younger kid. They give me that ?boys will fight at the playground? bullshit. Why will boys fight? Because you let them, because you teach them that it is ok? Because you want them to be able to fend off the rapists in prison? These two have a pretty good chance of ending up there so maybe it is a good skill for them to be honing.

The mothers were like audience members on the Springer show or Jane or Ricki Lake. "Don't you tell me how to raise my child" blah, blah, blah. Then one calls me an asshole as I?m walking away. Now all bets are off, I can have a pretty foul mouth and fueled with anger it can be something amazing with a life of its own. But as I'm verbally battling these two I realize I really need to just walk away. The hateful little kid follows us down the sidewalk to the parking lot making a fist and looking at us with that amazing look of hatred as we walk to the truck. As we get to the end of the sidewalk I turn around and look back at the kid with an equal amount of hatred and he goes running back to his mother who has done nothing to stop his following us.

When we get back in the truck and start to drive away I really want to cry. Why did I handle this so badly? Why did I handle this so badly in front of my son? Where were those back episodes of Kung Fu to draw on? Why was I thinking of smacking this little kid? What the fuck?

Years and years ago I was having a conversation with someone and I said in passing that someone we knew was an asshole. He replied "You think everyone is an asshole.". What amazed me about this statement wasn't that it was true and he had just provided me with a much needed moment of satori. What amazed me was that he didn't think everyone was an asshole also.

I don't know, I want to think differently, and some times I do but those times aren't nearly as often as I'd like. I want to move toward a spiritual life but as someone told me years ago "water seeks its own level". My level is thinking the world is full of assholes, I guess. Taking my son to the playground and ending up in a situation like the one I described only reinforces that bleak outlook. Unfortunately I wasn?t raised in a Shaolin Temple and I?ve never learned to snatch the pebbles from the Master?s hand.

In regards to my last entry about Millard Fuller, I found out tonight from my brother in law (what did I say everyone is?) that Millard Fuller and his wife were kicked out of Habitat for Humanity recently. Of course the b-in-law mentions this in passing in a name dropping way that just totally gave me the creeps. So how fucked up is this? I mean its supercalafragalistically fucked up for the Fullers but its also fucked up for me (the center of my universe) since I just started feeling comfortable with some sort of connection to Christianity mainly because of these two and what the hell am I supposed to think now?

I know, I don't paint a pretty picture. I know what I am and I have a black, black, heart.

Don't even get me started on the Life Insurance companies................
Posted by woozy in Fatherhood, Religion at 17:16 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)
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